Gorgeous oblivion

Yes, I know. I have been a blogger slacker. But good news is that I have been super busy and have stayed out of trouble. I have had some funny mothering moments, crazy house falling apart events and some awesome musical adventures. Of which I will share with you gradually over the next few days, I know you can hardly wait… the anticipation is killing you. He he, all 5 of you that check back regularly. By the way, thanks!
Here is a lovely song, by Au Revoir Simone called “Another Likely Story”

Another Likely Story - Au Revoir Simone

This is a song on Grizzly Bear’s new album which I believe will be out in May. I love the way it makes my hips sway.

Cheerleader - Grizzly Bear

Hard to say what is worse, drunken texting or exhausted ones. I need to cease and sleep. I am drunk of sleep loss. I have been tossing and turning the past few nights. My dreams have been so lovely and I wake up tired but with a good spirit. It’s just when the quiet surrounds me nothing can get me to calm down; not Fleet Foxes, not hot tea with honey, not the bubbliest of bubble baths, not curling up with a movie I have watched many times, not ceasing coffee drinking in the afternoons, not exhausting bike rides nor belly dancing sessions. I hope it’s just a phase and am ready for it to be over. Just seems like there aren’t enough hours in the day.

Maybe my thoughts have been troubled or worries have been overwhelming. I do have too much going on. Futuristic fantastical fantasies. Maybe it’s spring fever rearing its lovely head. Oh well, I have been writing and am excited about Sonnet Ruth. I wrote the first book and plotted out the rest but something wasn’t making sense. After reading a book about Scene and structure, I had an enormous epiphany and reworked the first book’s outline. So square two. Take what I have and add in more organization and imagination.

Life is good. Too much on the plate but not scared of what I need to do to succeed. There is something so wonderful about that feeling. I just need to simplify. Now back to work.

My legs moving up and down to the music, feeling muscles that I forgot I had, my hair flowing in the wind, waving at the neighbors as I fly by in glorious syncopation, heart beating fast, sweat drizzling on spots here and there, soaking in the vitamin D, feeling the freckles forming, hair tickling my neck.

I love my bike on a beautiful day. Now off to the showers!

I wrote this about a year ago… weird how you read old things and are proud and somewhat disturbed by moments captured. This is a monologue of a character for a short story. Inspired by real life? Well, isn’t everything?

(A monologue)

Many say moody, I say passionate. You want to know a secret? Yes? Then keep on my dear reader. I…. am… a passionate creature. I have a distracted but good heart and it has “fragile, easily breakable” stamped on the box I keep sealed around it. But now, I have a crowbar in hand and plastic under my feet… ready.

I surround myself with emotionally unavailable souls. The kind that have been stomped on so many times it is visible in their eye sockets… or their drinking patterns. It was easier that way. The layers are comforting. I know them and fall easily into the familiarity of them. I can even mimic them, when necessary, even if it’s just for momentary protection. I even have a name for those souls, Con Temporaries.

I have found the Con Temporary manifesto (yes there is one) has over time rubbed off on me like shingles and created my own dishonest layer that I couldn’t seem to chisel or chink away, no matter how much soapy water I sprayed on it. I am ready for it now. It may be a sticky, gooey mess but a glorious transformation is occuring. Even now, I am in awe of it. I have found the key, my own special code to lift away those layers, get down to the bones, and add texture and color. This will not be a shallow makeover show, folks. It is endless, timeless, art at it’s core. It is life. I have a term for this too, Creationism.

This is my own manifesto. Be prepared, I will not toughen up and push away my emotions. I will not have a barroom brawl in my head anymore. I will not give up on love and embrace lust. I will not take what I can get, package it up and then pretend it never existed when it’s done. I am not going to fall back into wrinkled sheets, sleeping my way through it. I will not drown it away with something that warms and tickles momentarily. I am going to nurture it until it grows up. I am going to let it take care of me in my old age. Feel it now? It’s beautiful. I am not afraid anymore.

No longer will my time be spent suppressing and decompressing, distracting and venting, avoiding and pushing away. I will embrace it.

Dear Dallas,

At first you worked your charms by tempting me with your music scene and sprawl of cool shops. But now I know better. I am not the naive little girl that traipsed onto your dusty terrain dropping cash here nor there. You have sold out to the highest bidder. All you have is urban sprawl, horrible traffic and shiny, fake Barbie and Ken replicas with interchangable clothing. I am in love with someone else and his name is Denton.

Im Leaving You Because I Dont Love You - Jens Lekman

Yes, Denton… your brother. He whispered sweet nothings of music and diversity into my ear. We had coffee and perused vintage shops while holding hands and giggling. He showed me a whole new world of three story used book shops and a cereal bar and I knew I was in love. Just the musicians and writers alone that are within the confines of his most intimate spaces are enough to keep me inspired until we grow old together. Goosebumps still travel up and down my arms when I think of the intellectual capacity for my own growth and how he makes me want to be a natural, better woman. And the nonstop creative talent that I fantasize about having within a bike ride of my bed is orgasmic unlike what you would ever offer me with your quick groping sessions and lack of mental foreplay. I think I have finally met my one true love and you and me, Dallas, we are through.
I don’t wish you ill, just a quick exit.
Sincerely,
G

Dear dufus,

There’s nothing that gets on my nerves worse than a man who can’t take care of his own shit. Honey baby, can you by me a drink? Honey baby, can you lend me some cash so I can blow it on blow? Darlin’ … get a job.
You whisper sweet nothings into my ear months ago and I always knew it was bullshit reeking from your rotten mouth. I didn’t buy it, it was entertaining at the time. Yes, I am a good, nice girl. Yes, I like to do nice things for people. But you, are looking for your own gain and no one elses and I could see that from miles away. I am no ones sugar momma and I frankly don’t have the time. You aren’t worth it to me. Not one cup o’Joe. Not one High Life. Not one Captain and Coke. All you are getting from me is a refreshing (to me anyways) cold shoulder served with crushed icy indifference.

So all you could say is… why aren’t you nice to me anymore? Why are you such a bitch? Because I may be a nice girl but it doesn’t mean I am an idiot enough to put up with shitheads like you. Life is too short. I am happy where I am and honey baby, I am loosening the leashes on the leaches.
Yes, I am a bitch when I need to be. Yes, you can call me anything you want but guess what sweet cheeks just don’t call me anymore. It’s time for goodbye now. I deserve respect in my decision, so stay away. Stop calling, stop driving by my house, just stop and slink back into the gutter you crawled out of. You can take your selfishness and spread it on someone else’s toast and call it breakfast. I know what it really is.

Rant is over, now for some Aretha.

Respect - ARETHA FRANKLIN

So, I went in for a checkup earlier this week and they found a lump under my arm. All I heard the doctor say after that was it could be a sign of breast cancer or a serious infection. I watched my dear grandmother waste away for 10 years with breast cancer, so I have been worried. I checked things like my life insurance and my will because I am neurotic like that. The doctor wasn’t my primary care physician so I made an appointment to go see my PCP which was this morning. I had a hard time getting to sleep the night before. But when I did, I had a very vivid dream.

In my dream, Nikki threw me a Bon Voyage Boobie party. At the party was everyone I knew. Co-workers telling me I should blog about my experience. My friends from elementary school and middle school that looked (and dressed) exactly the same (gotta love the 80s). All my friends and acquaintances. It was so real! Nikki’s house was decorated with paper mache breasts and bras. There was a game with pictures and you had to guess which set of boobs matched which person. She had made a boobie cake that looks much like the one I made Holly on her last birthday (see below). She had tarts and everything was in the shape of breasts, it was so awesome. People would come and talk to me and I would explain to them.. yes, they are taking these out but believe me they are going to put even more fabulous ones in. I woke up laughing and crying.

So, at my appointment they checked it out and it turned out to be nothing. (I just have to keep an eye on it for a month.) But I encourage all of you women (or men to bug the women in their lives), do a breast exam every month. It could save your life (and be a fun couples activity). This whole experience brought me back to reality and made me appreciate every breath I take. Every moment in life is precious and all the bullshit that is meaningless overall should be put aside. I am grateful.

Check them! Yours aren’t made out of cake.

I love this song it’s by Wildbirds and Peacedrums, “Doubt/Hope.” It’s a bit different but makes me dance around just the same. This song describes my writing process over time. Doubt and/or hope. I made a major step toward kicking ass on the Sonnet project last night. I met my friend SteveO to pick up a bike for my early morning rides. I had been thinking all day of the Sonnet Ruth project and felt like I really need to begin working on the art for the web site. I have the ideas of what I want but lack the skill and talent to capture it all appropriately.
And then that flashing light lit up above my head and flew into my ear. SteveO is an awesome artist, why not make him a deal he can’t refuse and collaborate. He agreed. So, I now have an artist to help me do some original stuff. We even talked about spreading the art throughout the book, the cover art and some merch. Yay! From doubt to hope… I am now grateful and motivated. Now for the music!

Doubt/Hope - Wildbirds & Peacedrums

Now that my sinus death plague or whatever that was has finally gone away, the layer of fuzzy thoughts have been blown out of my head. And the more I think, the more I realize how much I have grown and how much farther I have to go.

I know I behave strangly or seem a bit silly sometimes. I am OK with my faults, emotional outbursts, defensive walls and lousy eyebrows (yes, I said it). I will admit it when I am wrong or being illogical, it sometimes just takes me time to think things through. I put my priorities in place daily and it’s an ever revolving reality ticket check.

I am working on taking off my most comfortable hat constructed of satin fears, ribboned regrets, beaded memories, and mesh veil of hangups. I am ready to let my hair flow like a shampoo commercial, with a fresh start, bright eyes and a smile. I trust whatever decisions I have made now or in the future, they were the right ones at the time.

Preparedness - the bird and the bee